Philosophy of Ambiguity

PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, (a word or phrases enjoying multiple meanings), AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH, (Words spelt the same but said differently).

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4.
I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

5. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

6. IF A DEAF BOY SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

7. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

8. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

9. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

10. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

11. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

12. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

13. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

14. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

15. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

16. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?

17. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

18. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

21. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

22.
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

23. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

24. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

25. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

26. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

27.
WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

28. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

29. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

30. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

31. We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

32. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

33. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

34. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

35. If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

36. If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

37. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

38. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.


  • The bandage was wound around the wound.
  • The farm was used to produce produce.
  • The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
  • We must polish the Polish furniture.
  • He could lead if he would get the lead out.
  • The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  • Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  • A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
  • When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
  • I did not object to the object.
  • The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  • There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
  • They were too close to the door to close it.
  • The buck does funny things when does are present.
  • A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
  • To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
  • The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
  • After a number of injections my jaw got number.
  • Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
  • I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  • How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
  • He sure "got my goat" = "He sure made me angry"
  • Since the honoree is present at present, he thinks he should present the present presently.
  • There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
  • English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
  • Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
  • If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
  • If teachers taught, why didn't a preacher praught?
  • If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
  • If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
  • In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
  • Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
  • Have noses that run and feet that smell?
  • How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites?
  • How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
  • How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
  • Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
  • Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
  • Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
  • Have you ever run into someone who was, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
  • And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
  • Your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
  • English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
  • That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up an essay, I end it.

As a final note -

I plough on thoroughly through the rough although I cough and hiccough.

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